THE TECHIE GOSPEL

Genesis

And the TD looked upon the actors and saw that although they walked in light, they did walk upon a bare stage, and had no place to be, and the TD was moved to pity. And the TD said, "Let there be a Set!": and the TECHIES scrambled and worked, and there was a set, with platforms, wagons, stairs, and furniture of various types and sized*, each according to the need. And the actors did walk within the set, and did have a place to be. And the TD saw the set, that it was good, and the evening and the morning were the Second Day.

And the TD watched the play, and saw that the actors did wait in silence, and was moved to pity. And the TD said, "Let there be Sound!": and the TECHIES worked and taped, and there were sounds, each according to its place and cue, all at the proper levels. And the TD heard the sounds, that they were good, and the evening and the morning were the Fifth Day.

And lo, all these works were completed in five days, showing that if God had used sufficient TECHIES in the first place, He would have finished sooner.

(* "Sized" in most manuscripts, "Sizes" in a few.)
(** "Costumer" in most manuscripts, "TD" in some.)

Exodus*

(* The Book of EXODUS is missing from most of the ancient Techie manuscripts.)

Proverbs

I. Give not unto the actor his props before his time, for as surely as the sun does rise in the East and set in the West, he will lose or break them.

II. When told the placement of props by the Director, write not these things in ink upon thy script for as surely as the winds blow, so shall he change his mind.

III. Speak not in large words to actors, for they are slow of thought and are easily confused.

IV. Speak not in the language of the TECHIE to actors, for they are uninitiated, and will not perceive thy meaning.

V. Tap not the head of a nail to drive it, but strike it firmly with thy strength.

VI. Keep holy the first performance, for afterwards you shall party.

VII. Keep holy the last performance, for afterwards you shall party.

VIII. Remember always that the TD is never wrong. If appears that he is, then you obviously misunderstood him the first time.

IX. Leave not the area of the stage during the play to go and talk with the actors, for as surely as you do, you will be in danger of missing your cue and being summarily executed or worse.

X. Beware of the actors during scene changes, for they are not like unto you and are blind in the dark.

XI. Beware of actors when flying in walls, for they will stand and watch and get crushed.

XII. Take not thy cues before their time, but wait for the proper moment to do so.

XIII. Take pity on the actors, for in their roles they are as children, and must be led with gentle kindness. Thus, endeavor to speak softly and not in anger.

XIV. Listen carefully to the instructions of the Director as to how he wants things done - then do it the right way. In the days of thy work, he will see thy wisdom, give himself the credit, and rejoice.

XV. And above all, get carried away not with the glow-tape, or thy stage will be like unto an airport.

Words to the Techies

Remember always that thou art a TECHIE, born to walk the dark places of the stage, and know the secret ways of thy equipment. To your hands it is given to mold the dreams and thoughts of they that watch, and to make the Stage a separate place and time. Seek not, as do the actors, to go forth in light upon the stage, for though they strut and talk and put on airs, their craft does truly depend on you, to shape the dreams that they would show.

Remember also that although they depend on you, you exist only to aid them. Remember that thou art a team, for thou shalt party together.

My friends be not deceived by deluded actors masquerading as TECHIES. Remember always the signs by which thou shalt recognize a true TECHIE: they move softly during scene changes, not stumbling or falling; they are silent backstage and are aware of what is happening; they can speak with knowledge of Tools; they respect another's job and aid where they can; they do not just stand and watch.

Amen.

DIRECTORS' RULES

1. The Director is right.

2. The Director is always right.

3. Even if the SM or TD is right, the first rule still applies.

4. The Director is special.
   a. The Director doesn't sleep, he rests.
   b. The Director doesn't eat, he takes nourishment.
   c. The Director is never late, he is detained.
   d. The Director never leaves, he is called away.

5. If you go to the Director with original ideas, they become the Director's ideas.

6. The Director remains a director, even in his boxers.

7. The more you criticize the Director, the less you get cast.

8. The Director is obliged to think for everyone.

9. Those who believe the Director is a dictator are dissidents.
   a.All dissidents disappear.

10. It is necessary to prevent directors from marrying so that their numbers may not increase.